Shh, I've got a secret

I used to be such a burning example

2010-09-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

Oh man i forgot how much i used to think i knew about the world. how i used to believe that one good song could change the course of a day and the possibly the world. i miss how young i was, i miss how dumb i was. it's scary to think that in these past few years i've grown up so much and so little all at the same time. when my mom was my age she had already had 2 kids, a marriage and a divorce. i've barely had a boyfriend. yet at the same time i have seen more of this country then she has. i don't know if i should be looking at it as a who was "older" persay because the world has changed so much in these past 20 years that it isn't even the same.
I used to think i wasn't growing at all but looking back on how i used to act and who i used to be i see that i have in fact changed, if it is for better or for worse i dont know. i mean i can have conversations about things that used to bore me ie politics, religion, current events. sure i'd still rather talk about anything but because me and my bestie are on the opposite sides of the spectrum on that but still we could talk if we wanted too. and we do sometimes. it is good for us.
i just don't understand why or how it can be that it has been 4 years since high school and 4 years since i've spoken to anybody from that school (that i graduated with) for more than a few minutes. i don't regret that decision but sometimes i wonder if what caused the rift between us allthose years ago was really worth it. i don't think about that often just really when someone from the school contacts me and then i try to remember why we stopped talking in the first place. mostly i believe it is because i skipped school so much for shows. or maybe because i wasn't' afraid to tell them my real opinions because at that time in my life (and still to this day) i feel as if i should say it how i see it. right or wrong i don't regret doing what i do.
most of my friends are too young to understand what it is to feel this confused because despite us all being "adults" we are all still "kids" we could go die for our country, a few of us can drink alcohol if we so chose and all of us don't know what it is to be an adult. what it means to be on our own trying to figure out what we are going to be doing in this world and how we can make it better. and i'm not talking about recycling and going green. i'm talking about how are we going to make it ok for our children to live here? our we going to make something beautiful or our we just going to be too lazy and let them figure it all for themselves? i know i had very little guidence in growing up and i wish if i ever had children that they wouldn't have to worry about that so much. i don't know maybe i'm just worried for nothing or maybe it is for everything.
we shall see

I have found a new sense of security

2009-03-01T13:02:00.000-08:00

In the form of one alex deleon. He is the most amazing human being who has ever hugged me randomly...he sang to me...i like the feel of his fingers in my hair. Wow i sound like a creeper but honestly im not it was just this wonderful moment in my life i will never forget... He honestly gives me a sense of security with his voice and made my heart stop with his touch...ooo creeper again....i have his setlist with his shoeprint...i will cherish it always with the memory of him hugging me that night. Also thanks dude from the maine whos name i dnt remember for not hitting me with your bass and i chilled at a 90 degree angle at your feet. And thanks for asking if i was alright after the show way classy dude!

lost broken confused but i won't give up on you

2008-07-23T16:43:00.000-07:00

never before have i seen anything like this. never before have i ever felt so alive. never before have i had the feeling that the world was going to crumble under my feet.

never before have i felt like lying this much to my friends and family. i am not ok. i am not alright. i am not fine but it doesn't much matter now does it??? no i don't believe so. here i am trying to figure shit out like why can't i be able to be friends with a guy if he has a girlfriend. why is it my "friend" thinks she needs to try and get my guys. i hate that i am so lost and confused right now. my spirits are broken cuz i let myself be lied to again. this is why i have decided it is better to lie to myself then to let other people lie to me.

how could i let the same person get me to believe the same lie twice??? i am stupid i am dumb. i am love struck in the worst way possible.

lost broken confused but i won't give up on you....even though i should.

maybe soon i will meet someone who will help me to get away from you.

When I get excited I tend to scream like a fangirl

2008-03-06T23:23:00.000-08:00

i can't help it, a loud high pitch scream gets released from my mouth. but the way you can tell if i'm a truely excited is when i high pitched eeeeeee squeal type thing comes from me. Now let's not think in dirty nasty ways. lets think in a way that is totally cool and non perverted.

today, tonight actually i went to Walmart with Mutant and I being the little Teenie I am for Petey Lou (no i cant help it his mind is too powerful) had to look at the teenie zines so i could se ehis face. well then i saw paramore in a few zine (STFU Hayley is beautiful) and i was like ZOMG IT'S HAYLEY WILLIAMS....so yeah it was a loud high pitch scream...i'm sorry hayley i'm a slight teenie for you.

but it wasn't compared to the time i met Kenny from THe starting line and made a complete fool of myself by squeaking......nope nothing

lol that is all for now loves

You've made a lasting impression

2008-03-05T23:42:00.001-08:00

It's funny to think that it is all over just like that in a matter of minutes,
It's funny to think that this might be one of the first heartaches i've ever felt.
I can't help that in the back of my mind i feel as if i just recieved a dear jon letter from my favorite band since jr. high.
Yes i said band.
even though they were more then that.
They were great, they were amazing, they were everything you could need from a band
or from anything.
I'm sorry starting line rest in peace
even though you said it wasn't a break up it still feels as if it is.
it still feels as if you shouldn't be leaving
please don't leave me without saying goodbye.

here is my response to the songs that you wrote....or lines from songs you wrote.
Do you need to love: I didn't until you showed me how.
Somebodys gonna miss us when nobodys here: I will always miss you, but i'll never be the one not there.
Please Don't leave me without saying goodbye: Goodbye TSL, please do the same for me.
Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone: With You i was never alone, but i understand you have to go away, i can't wait for us to be able to speak of all we have learned while we were apart.
I'll remember when everyone said is that all you got turn it up keep it coming.: well guys is that all you got? i hope not, keep it coming forever more.

It's funny becuase i didn't know i was loved this much

2008-02-27T12:48:00.000-08:00

So my stepdad took me shopping today (which got me my new hoodie yay) and yeah we started talking and he was starting to tell me about how he was always worrying about me and stuff. not because i can't take care of myself(i can) but becuase out of my entire family i'm the one he is closest to. and how if i just never came home one day he would be a total wreck and would probably have to be put in a mental institution.ok i have known my stepdad since i was 7 or 8 anways like 11-12 years and me and him have always been the closest out of the family. and we have always had this amazing relationship where it is all about respect and shit. then he told me that and i started crying. but then he kept going. he told me about how the way he sees our family is it is divided(and it is) and that when we methe noticed something, that my mom was always more concerned with what my brother was doing rather then me(which she still is) and that when he and my mom got together he made it a point to pay attention to me.and while that was happening he realized something, he realized we were equals even at age 8 he realized i was his equal. he went into this whole dr.who rose tyler thing but i doubt you would understand that so i won't bore you. and how he is going to be completely lost when i move(hopefully end of summer) and how he is going to worry and shit.he also said he isn't ready to see me go but he has full faith in me and that he knows it is time for me to leave becuase it pains him to see me in this enviorment everyday suffacting from the narrowmindness of the socity we live in and the fact that my mom hardly pays any attention unless she wants a babysitter. i feel terrible because all of this is true, everyword. i have alwas been the closest to him and i will probably never have as much respect and ability to talk to my mom as i do him which is strange to say since all the shit he has done(which he said he is stopping FUCK YA!).
He said he has never been this emotionally attached to anybody in his life, which can make sense if you think about it parents are always talking about how thier love for their children surpasses all other love but yeah i just never thought about it. I've never been emotionally attached to anbody as he is saying he is to me. so this is blowing my mind i can't believe this whole time i thought i was alone only to realize that yeah i'm not there is somebody who cares completely about me

Yeah i have always known i was loved i just didn't realize it was this much. the thought behind this blows my mind.

CrushCrushCrunk?

2008-02-25T22:37:00.001-08:00

There is a boy,
he is cute,
i have not met him yet,
nor do i know if i will meet him,
I have spoken to him online.
he is in a band.
He is cute.
We have spoken online a few times,
about random fucking things.
he entertains me.

I hope to meet him.
i hope he thinks i'm cute.
i hope he doesn't have a gf.
and when i move near him
(not becuase of him)
He will want me to be his.
becuase not many can entertain me like he does

there is this boy
i have not properly met
but i wonder if he will think i am cute
becuase i think he is cute

i still want funny face pancakes

2008-02-25T11:20:00.000-08:00

I Am so Excited Fight!Fight!Fight! are on warped tour on the dates i'm going...i guess it helps that i am going to the st.lou and KC show huh?
I just bought a new Bathing suit.....it reminds me of Sisky Biz's yellow striped hoodie....I'm gonna be looking sexy at warped tour

note to self: Girl's night's out suck when you switch girls in the middle

I like these things get over it

2008-02-24T23:36:00.000-08:00

Hannah Montana (the show)
Hannah Montana (the music)
Miley Cyrus ( i don't know if that is spelled right but yeah her music)
Hayley Williams (she is pretty and talented)
Disney Channel (it entertains me)
My new Hannah Montana wig ( i think it is funny)
Acting immature (it's fun i love to fucking laugh)
Saying HI to random people ( i like to meet new people)
Dancing aound to random music ( i don't care if i look like a dork)
Traveling for a good show (it's fun see new places meet new friends)
People looking at me (i'm an attention whore i'm not sorry about it tho)

I'm sorry if you don't like this but i do if ou can't deal maybe we shouldn't talk about these things or do them together....think about it

the point of a one night stand is to leave the next day

2008-02-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

I hate that you do this to me,
I hate that you don't realize,
you can't keep coming back after
you fucked me and didn't say goodbye.
You keep coming back i'm wasting my time trying
to understand what runs through your mind.

I'm memorable for you to keep coming
but not wonderful to get you to stay
where is the fair in this?
who cares about fair, where is the fun?
Where is the love in the words you are trying to get me to hear?

Crawl under a fucking rock and die
i don't want to see your face ever again
i don't want to hear your voice
i don't want to hear your name,
stay out of my dreams and away from my future

i bet you are too full of yourself to realize that i'm talking about you,
you are too full of yourself to know that you weren't the best i had
you weren't even the second best, in a race that has 2 runners.
Get the fuck out and stay gone!

those words sound amazing but i wish i would have talked to you
i hate that you still have a place in my heart
but honestly stay or leave
you can't have your cake and eat it too

Gabe thinks i'm a wise girl

2008-02-19T12:46:00.000-08:00

Lets just say you're a wise girl Fe ;)Gabe
----------------- Original Message -----------------From: National NobodyDate: Feb 17, 2008 4:17 PM
and i don't know who checks this or if you will even read this but i hope that you do and i hope that someone can find me an answer.but i've been listening to Prostitution is the oldest profession in the world (and i dear madame am a professional) over and over for a while and at first i was thinking it was just a funny song about being a prostitue and that it was just that a streetwalker sex seller what you want to call it.but after listening somemore i kind of think it is about like the whole celebritiy scene and how if you are famous you are just giving yourself away for a profit (which would make you a prostitue) and how that people have been doing it for years.am i any where close with a understanding like that or did i over analize it way too much.please answer this for me
LoveFe

See he thinks i'm smart, i'm so excited i can't help that i am a gabe teenie....it happens i can't help it. he just so amazing.

The Magic Is In The Hot Coco

2008-02-19T02:18:00.000-08:00

I'm freezing said the ice to the tray
I'm no warmer said the tray back
DAMN it is cold in my house, in my room.
there is a fire going downstairs but i can't bring myself to sleep on the sofa for one more night.
Not that i have slept there at all.
I tend to like to sleep in rooms that have doors
some wack job sense of security,
JUST GIVE UP YOUR BLANKET LINUS
i'm one to talk i still drag around dolls and other toys.

you're out of the bubble wrap you are released my stepfather said to me.
HELL i didn't even know i was confined,
out of the 3 kids in my house the last one i would have thought was wrapped was me.
but isn't that the whole plan? don't let the kids know they are wrapped and the world is fine?
I'd rather know that i'm safe rather then thinking i'm dangerous and finding out the hard way how wrong i was.

GO figure that i would be the one to spill the beans about all that i wish to keep a secret, i for one am the type who isn't afraid to speak her mind even if she does a hannah montana best of both worlds then before i come completly clean....thank you panic! for having boards i trust,

Funny story about those boards i've talked to a lot of those boardies longer then i have anybody outside of the internet....it's not sad it's funny if you ask me. moving around and never making friends til the end (unless you are reading this mutant cuz you know i love ou liek crazy even though you think i want you dead) only to find some of the coolest people i ever talked to online at those thier boards.
we have been through a lot, SPAM, the rise and possible fall of ZNOBY, my lies, good times, bad times, Nothing rhyming with circus, Box sets, fakers, my truths, the moms, the coming and going of friends, pretty much everything...
FUCKING CRAZY! but i wouldn't trade any of the boardies for a piece of pizza....maybe a whole pie tho....okmaybe not

lmao lol rofl omg lool(idgi) and all those other crazy internet things
THNKS FR TH MMRS......woohoo

I'm sick and tired of always writing blogs about you

2008-02-14T23:23:00.000-08:00

Hello heart, i hope you are still in tact
It's been a while since i last checked to make sure you were alright.
You are still beating i know this so must be fine
it is really my head i should worry about
but it is still there so no reason to worry about it either

Or so we thought, but then again i'm not dragging a razor across my arm
Just for the attention
or at all if you really must know.
I'm not stupid I'm alone
so quit your fucking worring about it.

I laugh becuase you didn't know the difference between I love you
and I wanna fuck you.
I cry becuase I didn't know you didn't know.
I'm sick and tired of always writing blogs about you this is it this is the end.
Yeah fucking right we will see about that.

you won't read this so you don't even know how done i am
you won't even know that i wished for you tonight.
you won't know that in the darkest of places where my secrets can hide
i still have a darker spot for you so no one can touch you.

the whore who gave you head when i pissed you off
me and her get along. she isn't a whore at all that was you!
funny how i never saw that before.
Manwhores i love them but hey you already know that or do i need to remind you?

so now and forver you are in my heart and mind.
i wish i knew how to get you out so you can leave me the fuck alone!
we only made out you never kissed me.
you left me there blind and unable understand
why cant you stay just long enough to explain

yes those last lines were taken from songs,
much like the time you took from me
the joy you stole
but you wouldn't believe this shit that i still remember

xoxofufu.....you know who you are

The First Of Many

2008-02-13T13:45:00.000-08:00

First blog it had to happen sooner or later it's true I know. Cool things that have happened lately
My Brother moved back home
He started a band
HE used my idea for the band name
Caffeine Headache
I'm in charge of promotions
I love him
The new simple plan cd rocks you must go listen
I love ALL TIME LOW more then you know
i really had nothing to put here yet i did anyway
take that bitch