I used to be such a burning example

Oh man i forgot how much i used to think i knew about the world. how i used to believe that one good song could change the course of a day and the possibly the world. i miss how young i was, i miss how dumb i was. it's scary to think that in these past few years i've grown up so much and so little all at the same time. when my mom was my age she had already had 2 kids, a marriage and a divorce. i've barely had a boyfriend. yet at the same time i have seen more of this country then she has. i don't know if i should be looking at it as a who was "older" persay because the world has changed so much in these past 20 years that it isn't even the same.
I used to think i wasn't growing at all but looking back on how i used to act and who i used to be i see that i have in fact changed, if it is for better or for worse i dont know. i mean i can have conversations about things that used to bore me ie politics, religion, current events. sure i'd still rather talk about anything but because me and my bestie are on the opposite sides of the spectrum on that but still we could talk if we wanted too. and we do sometimes. it is good for us.
i just don't understand why or how it can be that it has been 4 years since high school and 4 years since i've spoken to anybody from that school (that i graduated with) for more than a few minutes. i don't regret that decision but sometimes i wonder if what caused the rift between us allthose years ago was really worth it. i don't think about that often just really when someone from the school contacts me and then i try to remember why we stopped talking in the first place. mostly i believe it is because i skipped school so much for shows. or maybe because i wasn't' afraid to tell them my real opinions because at that time in my life (and still to this day) i feel as if i should say it how i see it. right or wrong i don't regret doing what i do.
most of my friends are too young to understand what it is to feel this confused because despite us all being "adults" we are all still "kids" we could go die for our country, a few of us can drink alcohol if we so chose and all of us don't know what it is to be an adult. what it means to be on our own trying to figure out what we are going to be doing in this world and how we can make it better. and i'm not talking about recycling and going green. i'm talking about how are we going to make it ok for our children to live here? our we going to make something beautiful or our we just going to be too lazy and let them figure it all for themselves? i know i had very little guidence in growing up and i wish if i ever had children that they wouldn't have to worry about that so much. i don't know maybe i'm just worried for nothing or maybe it is for everything.
we shall see

I have found a new sense of security

In the form of one alex deleon. He is the most amazing human being who has ever hugged me randomly...he sang to me...i like the feel of his fingers in my hair. Wow i sound like a creeper but honestly im not it was just this wonderful moment in my life i will never forget... He honestly gives me a sense of security with his voice and made my heart stop with his touch...ooo creeper again....i have his setlist with his shoeprint...i will cherish it always with the memory of him hugging me that night. Also thanks dude from the maine whos name i dnt remember for not hitting me with your bass and i chilled at a 90 degree angle at your feet. And thanks for asking if i was alright after the show way classy dude!

lost broken confused but i won't give up on you

never before have i seen anything like this. never before have i ever felt so alive. never before have i had the feeling that the world was going to crumble under my feet.

never before have i felt like lying this much to my friends and family. i am not ok. i am not alright. i am not fine but it doesn't much matter now does it??? no i don't believe so. here i am trying to figure shit out like why can't i be able to be friends with a guy if he has a girlfriend. why is it my "friend" thinks she needs to try and get my guys. i hate that i am so lost and confused right now. my spirits are broken cuz i let myself be lied to again. this is why i have decided it is better to lie to myself then to let other people lie to me.

how could i let the same person get me to believe the same lie twice??? i am stupid i am dumb. i am love struck in the worst way possible.


lost broken confused but i won't give up on you....even though i should.

maybe soon i will meet someone who will help me to get away from you.

When I get excited I tend to scream like a fangirl

i can't help it, a loud high pitch scream gets released from my mouth. but the way you can tell if i'm a truely excited is when i high pitched eeeeeee squeal type thing comes from me. Now let's not think in dirty nasty ways. lets think in a way that is totally cool and non perverted.

today, tonight actually i went to Walmart with Mutant and I being the little Teenie I am for Petey Lou (no i cant help it his mind is too powerful) had to look at the teenie zines so i could se ehis face. well then i saw paramore in a few zine (STFU Hayley is beautiful) and i was like ZOMG IT'S HAYLEY WILLIAMS....so yeah it was a loud high pitch scream...i'm sorry hayley i'm a slight teenie for you.

but it wasn't compared to the time i met Kenny from THe starting line and made a complete fool of myself by squeaking......nope nothing


lol that is all for now loves

You've made a lasting impression

It's funny to think that it is all over just like that in a matter of minutes,
It's funny to think that this might be one of the first heartaches i've ever felt.
I can't help that in the back of my mind i feel as if i just recieved a dear jon letter from my favorite band since jr. high.
Yes i said band.
even though they were more then that.
They were great, they were amazing, they were everything you could need from a band
or from anything.
I'm sorry starting line rest in peace
even though you said it wasn't a break up it still feels as if it is.
it still feels as if you shouldn't be leaving
please don't leave me without saying goodbye.

here is my response to the songs that you wrote....or lines from songs you wrote.
Do you need to love: I didn't until you showed me how.
Somebodys gonna miss us when nobodys here: I will always miss you, but i'll never be the one not there.
Please Don't leave me without saying goodbye: Goodbye TSL, please do the same for me.
Tell me what you thought about when you were gone and so alone: With You i was never alone, but i understand you have to go away, i can't wait for us to be able to speak of all we have learned while we were apart.
I'll remember when everyone said is that all you got turn it up keep it coming.: well guys is that all you got? i hope not, keep it coming forever more.

It's funny becuase i didn't know i was loved this much

So my stepdad took me shopping today (which got me my new hoodie yay) and yeah we started talking and he was starting to tell me about how he was always worrying about me and stuff. not because i can't take care of myself(i can) but becuase out of my entire family i'm the one he is closest to. and how if i just never came home one day he would be a total wreck and would probably have to be put in a mental institution.ok i have known my stepdad since i was 7 or 8 anways like 11-12 years and me and him have always been the closest out of the family. and we have always had this amazing relationship where it is all about respect and shit. then he told me that and i started crying. but then he kept going. he told me about how the way he sees our family is it is divided(and it is) and that when we methe noticed something, that my mom was always more concerned with what my brother was doing rather then me(which she still is) and that when he and my mom got together he made it a point to pay attention to me.and while that was happening he realized something, he realized we were equals even at age 8 he realized i was his equal. he went into this whole dr.who rose tyler thing but i doubt you would understand that so i won't bore you. and how he is going to be completely lost when i move(hopefully end of summer) and how he is going to worry and shit.he also said he isn't ready to see me go but he has full faith in me and that he knows it is time for me to leave becuase it pains him to see me in this enviorment everyday suffacting from the narrowmindness of the socity we live in and the fact that my mom hardly pays any attention unless she wants a babysitter. i feel terrible because all of this is true, everyword. i have alwas been the closest to him and i will probably never have as much respect and ability to talk to my mom as i do him which is strange to say since all the shit he has done(which he said he is stopping FUCK YA!).
He said he has never been this emotionally attached to anybody in his life, which can make sense if you think about it parents are always talking about how thier love for their children surpasses all other love but yeah i just never thought about it. I've never been emotionally attached to anbody as he is saying he is to me. so this is blowing my mind i can't believe this whole time i thought i was alone only to realize that yeah i'm not there is somebody who cares completely about me



Yeah i have always known i was loved i just didn't realize it was this much. the thought behind this blows my mind.

CrushCrushCrunk?

There is a boy,
he is cute,
i have not met him yet,
nor do i know if i will meet him,
I have spoken to him online.
he is in a band.
He is cute.
We have spoken online a few times,
about random fucking things.
he entertains me.

I hope to meet him.
i hope he thinks i'm cute.
i hope he doesn't have a gf.
and when i move near him
(not becuase of him)
He will want me to be his.
becuase not many can entertain me like he does

there is this boy
i have not properly met
but i wonder if he will think i am cute
becuase i think he is cute